Happy Birthday, Brian

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Merk
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Happy Birthday, Brian

Post by Merk » Sun Feb 19, 2012 8:53 pm

Dear Brian,

Oh hello! Sorry I wasn't able to make it to your party - I have recently started a new job with a sort of weird schedule (4 twelve hour shifts and then 4 days off) and unfortunately your birthday party had to fall during a weekend where I had to work. Maybe next year! I look forward to it.

I wasn't exactly sure what to get you this year. What could I possibly get for the man who has everything? I mean, you're the kind of guy who is living the dream. No kids, a one-of-a-kind basement full of arcade games, the unconditional respect of your peers, a steady job where you are treated as a man of distinction and courage, and whose humanitarian efforts are rivaled only by the likes of Ghandi and Bono.

Which brings me to my next point... I had planned on donating one hundred zigzags in your name to the Riley's Children Hospital but after speaking with Chad Wagner he told me that it would be, "Not a good idea." In all fairness to him, he related a story to me about how a friend of his had received a donation to some charity on their behalf as a birthday gift and how it didn't go over so well. Not to say that said person wasn't appreciative - they were
very much so - but generally birthday gifts should be something more; something... tangible. I asked him how he would feel if he were in his friend's shoes and I couldn't get an answer out of him. Obviously the politically correct answer would be, "It was the best gift I ever got" but alas, the only thing honest in every man's heart is his greed.

Besides, what kind of message would that kind of gift send? Would it come accross as pathetic? Would you think that I was trying to buy you back? Would I be simply burdening you with the gift of responsibility? These are the things that any rational, normal person would consider. However, if your basement does one thing for sure, it's that it says to the world that Brian Ho is anything but normal or rational. Like a proud Cub scout who unwittingly submits himself to conservative, homophobic, not Korean, ugly American propaganda - you are proud of your non-conformity as you very much should be. Obviously that simile makes little to no sense, but in the end I think it makes a strong point about the grievencies we all hold near and dear to our little hearts.

So against my better judgment I'm going to give a hundred dollars to donate to Riley.** Seinfeld (great show, by the way) taught me that doing the opposite of what you think you should do almost always ends up being the better decision. When DAT X inevitably comes along you can put it in your name, my name, Chad's name, or your live-in ladyfriend's name. Ultimately I just want to raise a lot of money for the kids and who raises what makes no difference to me. I like to think my gift is the gift of temptation. I'll let you interpret however you'd like.

Thirty-seven, eh? Man that's a long time. You've done a lot, seen plenty, and still have a whole lot of life to live. I know that when I turn thirty-seven that I'll come to the stark realization that my life is more than likely 3/4 over. My uncle informed me of the Merkler curse that plagues my bloodline - our hearts commit suicide usually around the age of fifty and I am doomed to be no different. Cherish the time you have left, sir. This day will soon be at an end and now you're even older.

But let's think of good things on this special day and the wonderful things we can look forward to! The FP will assist us in our BEET BEET and Chicago offers many American delicacies and hearty American beers for us to enjoy. Brian I'd like to buy you a drink - a hundred dollars worth of drinks! A trip to Japan would be pretty neat to. Chad and I are planning to go sometime this year since I have a steady paycheck that pays more than a mere pittance and my expenses have thankfully shrunk significantly. I'd like to talk about things to do and logistics and all that sometime. Maybe over a bottle of sake? Maybe...~~~~~~

But I digress. I really just want to offer you the happiest of birthdays and the comfort of knowing that no matter how little effort you put into planning your yearly shin-dig that people will come and have a good time. I can see it all now, Pizza on the counter, alcohol slightly tapped on the bar of the bar, people playing card games upstairs, Dave playing Beatmania, Daniel playing Pop and/or Music, Chad comfortably fitting in to any given conversation, whispers in the air about the dildo in the shower, and Brandon playing Daytona or chilling upstairs. The sight brings a warmth to my loins and a smile to my face.

And yet I can't help but shed a tear...

** Since Chad was supposed to deliver your birthday card for me and failed to show up at your party, I'm going to pocket the hundo and just donate it as my entry fee for DAT.
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Re: Happy Birthday, Brian

Post by Fluffyumpkins » Sun Feb 19, 2012 10:08 pm

Dear Brian,

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Morbi id dui ut libero sagittis feugiat. Praesent tortor urna, dignissim nec blandit ac, consequat id massa. Fusce ullamcorper augue non mauris convallis vitae pellentesque arcu laoreet. Praesent posuere pellentesque nibh, sed venenatis justo fringilla ultricies. Sed faucibus, arcu sit amet ultricies vehicula, quam nisl viverra ligula, sit amet dapibus nulla libero at nibh. In hac habitasse platea dictumst. Donec ullamcorper, enim et dictum viverra, eros nunc tincidunt augue, fringilla porta dolor diam nec augue. Ut vulputate, nibh vitae placerat tristique, mauris augue semper erat, egestas dignissim sem mi eget justo. Proin pharetra nulla at elit consequat non luctus diam tincidunt. Cras luctus, lectus et bibendum sagittis, diam nisi blandit nibh, eget rhoncus nulla enim sit amet felis. Curabitur luctus venenatis massa, nec ultrices metus luctus vel. Vestibulum gravida euismod velit nec aliquet. Duis rhoncus elit massa. Proin fringilla aliquam vestibulum. Fusce interdum euismod egestas.

Curabitur egestas convallis mauris, at porttitor libero dignissim id. Morbi sodales, orci in convallis aliquam, lacus arcu rutrum neque, id vehicula orci enim non odio. Cras sed diam massa. Donec cursus dui id quam pretium placerat. Ut a felis nisl, et scelerisque libero. Curabitur sit amet lacus ipsum. Etiam placerat purus ut nunc congue ornare. Cras viverra sem ac ipsum semper tincidunt at in neque. Nunc malesuada, dolor quis commodo vestibulum, dolor metus sodales leo, at eleifend tortor velit sit amet orci. Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae;

Etiam facilisis ante at diam iaculis sit amet rutrum dolor laoreet. Aenean ultrices viverra purus, quis eleifend metus pharetra id. Quisque quis justo mauris, et luctus erat. Pellentesque velit eros, iaculis non imperdiet ut, elementum quis augue. Curabitur arcu ipsum, blandit sit amet vestibulum at, blandit volutpat felis. Maecenas tincidunt tempor velit, nec ornare eros accumsan tincidunt. Sed id arcu mi. Aliquam laoreet auctor consectetur. Ut venenatis dolor sed dolor laoreet hendrerit.

Praesent scelerisque accumsan odio a sodales. In vel tortor nisl. Pellentesque quis semper lectus. Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas. Aenean ut dapibus lacus. Donec et blandit nunc. Ut in enim magna, a suscipit sapien. Praesent lacinia porttitor mi, eu porttitor odio egestas sed. Vivamus eget dui ut risus cursus posuere a nec ligula. Phasellus mollis eros sed arcu egestas a viverra ante venenatis. Donec nec risus ac neque viverra tincidunt at ut leo. Nam ultrices consectetur nisl sit amet blandit. Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas. Fusce mauris quam, tempus nec porta eu, lacinia non nibh. Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas.

Quisque tortor neque, eleifend eu imperdiet non, consectetur non metus. Aliquam erat volutpat. Donec ipsum metus, blandit accumsan euismod a, bibendum vel tortor. Quisque gravida sapien sed ligula gravida lobortis. Morbi tincidunt dolor arcu, quis malesuada quam. Ut tincidunt, dui sit amet tincidunt consectetur, nisl mi bibendum lorem, at rhoncus est libero id magna. Donec sapien dui, mattis eget elementum at, dignissim vel sem. Duis in mi turpis, ac cursus lectus. Duis at semper augue. Proin enim lacus, consequat vel cursus vel, elementum sit amet dolor. Nam luctus auctor diam vitae faucibus. In bibendum, tortor ultrices blandit mollis, leo metus aliquet nisi, sit amet molestie purus nunc eget eros. Cras ornare enim sed dolor varius aliquam. Etiam eget justo diam, tempus posuere enim. Donec auctor ipsum id quam accumsan quis mollis ipsum cursus.

Sed condimentum, eros et lacinia egestas, mauris leo tincidunt elit, quis rutrum nisl nunc quis diam. Quisque sodales suscipit leo, bibendum ultricies lectus commodo sit amet. Proin aliquet erat in mauris semper eu dictum neque posuere. Sed consectetur, risus eu bibendum tempor, lectus quam tristique risus, eu faucibus velit ligula sit amet diam. Maecenas venenatis, mauris ut porta sollicitudin, odio felis ultricies est, ac dictum mi mauris id velit. Curabitur tempor pellentesque porta. Maecenas id sapien sem, quis tempor sem.

Praesent vitae augue urna, sit amet interdum lacus. Nam at sagittis ante. Ut tempus nisi ipsum, vel venenatis velit. Nullam dignissim posuere diam, non elementum velit malesuada a. Praesent volutpat dapibus purus. Proin varius auctor tortor, a semper diam hendrerit in. Nulla leo ligula, ultricies a imperdiet ac, lobortis et arcu. Nulla eget mattis erat.

And yet I can't help but shed a tear...

**Happy Birthday

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Merk
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Re: Happy Birthday, Brian

Post by Merk » Sun Feb 19, 2012 11:23 pm

Donec ipsum metus
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Merk
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Re: Happy Birthday, Brian

Post by Merk » Mon Feb 20, 2012 12:34 am

Interestingly enough that translation didn't carry over proper nouns such as "Seinfeld" and "Merkler"
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Re: Happy Birthday, Brian

Post by Fluffyumpkins » Mon Feb 20, 2012 12:58 am

It wasn't a translation. Let's see who gets it.

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Re: Happy Birthday, Brian

Post by MonMotha » Mon Feb 20, 2012 1:14 am

I want three cats, Lorem, Ipsum, and Dolor, and a dog named Amet. I will frequently command the dog to sit.
A normality test:
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Merk
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Re: Happy Birthday, Brian

Post by Merk » Mon Feb 20, 2012 1:14 am

Is that like, Divine Comedy shit?

The Latin thing Chad posted, that is.
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Re: Happy Birthday, Brian

Post by MonMotha » Mon Feb 20, 2012 1:15 am

Fluffyumpkins wrote:It wasn't a translation. Let's see who gets it.
Apparently, "not Merk".
A normality test:
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If you are no longer connected to the internet, you need to apply more wax to your modem: it'll make it go faster.
If you find this funny, you're a nerd.
If neither of the above apply, you are normal. Congratulations.

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Merk
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Re: Happy Birthday, Brian

Post by Merk » Mon Feb 20, 2012 1:21 am

I'll fully admit that yeah I am ignorant of the meaning behind Chad's post.
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Re: Happy Birthday, Brian

Post by LikeableRodent » Mon Feb 20, 2012 1:50 am

Merk wrote:I'll fully admit that yeah I am ignorant of the meaning behind Chad's post.
To explain, Chad's post is not simply random text. It has roots in a piece of classical Latin literature from 45 BC, making it over 2000 years old. Richard McClintock, a Latin professor at Hampden-Sydney College in Virginia, looked up one of the more obscure Latin words, consectetur, from Chad's response, and going through the cites of the word in classical literature, discovered the undoubtable source. Chad's declaration comes from sections 1.10.32 and 1.10.33 of "de Finibus Bonorum et Malorum" (The Extremes of Good and Evil) by Cicero, written in 45 BC. This book is a treatise on the theory of ethics, very popular during the Renaissance. The first line of Chad's response, "Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet..", comes from a line in section 1.10.32.

Merk, as a college graduate, I'm quite surprised you didn't know this information off the top of your head. It certainly seems that all the other denizens of this forum are more educated than you when it comes to Latin literature.

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Merk
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Re: Happy Birthday, Brian

Post by Merk » Mon Feb 20, 2012 2:23 am

The only ancient history texts I studied in college were for my ethics class and it was all Greek shit from the likes of Socrates.

I will definitely concede that I don't recognize popular Latin texts off the top of my head. I know a lot about a little and a little about a lot - that's the main thing I took away from college. I appreciate the explanation!
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Re: Happy Birthday, Brian

Post by belindashort » Mon Feb 20, 2012 3:18 am

For some reason, I am strangely reminded of my very first website.

Holy shit, I had to re-register cause I haven't been on here since the reset. This is the place I met Brian, you know =).

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Merk
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Re: Happy Birthday, Brian

Post by Merk » Mon Feb 20, 2012 4:08 am

Sup?
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Re: Happy Birthday, Brian

Post by belindashort » Mon Feb 20, 2012 5:01 am

Same as usual, porn and booze.

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Merk
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Re: Happy Birthday, Brian

Post by Merk » Mon Feb 20, 2012 5:15 am

That's cool, I like saix! Haven't had a drink in a while since my social life has sort of taken a nose dive but I'll live. How was your weekend? I've been workin' :(
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